Armin Loses It
by Lyra Sprinkles
Summary: Armin notices that something isn't quite right with his friends. . .and everybody else.


Armin was sitting with his friends Eren and Mikasa in the dining hall. It was dinner time and the room was filled with the low din of cutlery and the loud voices of the soldiers. And it wasn't just the recruits, but Commander Erwin, Captain Levi and Squad Leader Hange too had a table to themselves.

The three of them were sat in silence. Eren was staring at Levi across the room, and Mikasa was staring at Eren. Both of them had barely touched their soups. Armin was somehow reading while eating, and it was a book about the outside world, even though they were super rare and would probably be banned if a superior saw it.

That's when Armin realized something was wrong.

"Um, Eren?" he piped up, putting down his book. "Why aren't you eating?"

Eren merely glanced at Armin, only to turn his attention back to Levi. "I'm staring at Captain Levi." He said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Yes," replied Armin with exaggerated patience. "But _why_?"

"Because I'm in love with him," said Eren in the same flat tone. "Why else would I stare at him?"

There was a sound of glass breaking as Mikasa smashed her bowl to the table.

Armin blinked in surprise. "Okay, that's . . . news to me. Since when have you been _in love_ with Captain Levi?"

"Uh, only since my trial?" said Eren, waving his arm like a Valley girl. "The way he kicked me was like, so, totally, hot. God. Keep up, Armin."

"I- "Armin found himself at a loss for words. "I actually don't know what else to say." He turned to Mikasa. "What about you, Mikasa? Did you know about this?"

"Huh?" said Mikasa, making a face. Which was kind of difficult for her to do, but she managed it on her third attempt. "I don't care. I'm staring at Eren because I'm in love with him."

Armin blinked again, although this one he actually saw coming.

"Oh-kay," he said tentatively. "And what about, um, Eren's love for Levi?"

"I'm totally going to ruin their relationship because I'm a clingy jealous bitch." she replied.

Armin drew a sharp intake of breath. "Sure," he said, his mind scrambled from the sheer bizarreness of it all. Clearly things were not right with these two today. "I'll be right back."

Contrary to popular opinion, Armin was actually friends with a lot of other people besides Eren and Mikasa. These included Jean, Sasha and Connie, who were sitting by themselves. Armin sat down at their table. "Hey guys," he said.

"Hi, Armin," chorused the others. Things seemed normal there. Jean was talking about something and Connie was laughing, while Sasha munched on a potato.

Wait a minute.

"Sasha, where did you get that potato from?" asked Armin. "We're having lentil soup for dinner tonight. Did you raid the Commander's pantry again?"

"Nope!" replied Sasha, and continued eating.

"So where did you get it from?" pressed on Armin.

"I have no idea!" said Sasha happily.

Armin gave her look of derision. She sighed.

"See, whenever there's fanfiction being written, I'm always eating a potato." she explained. "I don't know where I get it from, but someone always gives me a potato and sticks me in the scene. Just because I ate a potato that one time in that one episode. Even though I've been known to have excellent outdoor skills and instinct, that's all people associate me with. Potatoes."

"Sasha," said Armin softly. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt that way. . ."

"Oh no, I'm fine," smiled Sasha. "I don't mind though, because it means more for me!"

Armin turned to the others. "Do you guys believe this?"

"Meh." was all Jean said. Connie was still laughing for some reason.

Jean stood up. "Well, it's time for me to go pick a fight with Eren." he announced. "See you guys later."

"Wait, what?" Armin was confused. "What did Eren do to you now?"

"We haven't spoken much all day, to be honest." replied Jean. "But I have to go antagonize Eren during every dining hall scene. It's in my contract, see?"

Armin glanced at the paper Jean held up. "Wow." he said shakily. "Wow. You actually have a contract that states that you have to create a scene with Eren every time we eat. Okay."

"See ya," said Jean, sauntering off.

"I'm laughing because I'm stupid." giggled Connie.

Armin decided it was time to find another table.

"Armin!" said Krista happily, as the blond boy approached their table.

Armin smiled at her. At least someone was behaving normally today.

Ymir, however, shook her head. "No."

"Excuse me?" said Armin, his smile faltering.

"No." she repeated. "I know why you're here. You're trying to steal Krista away from me. Go away." She turned to Krista. "Krista, marry me once dinner is over, okay?"

Armin laughed sheepishly. "I'm not going to steal Krista from you. I don't know where you got that idea."

Bertolt, meanwhile, was hiding behind Reiner. "Rei-ei-n-ner," he stuttered. "It's- it's an-n-n-other per-s-son."

"I know." replied Reiner. He ran his eyes over Armin's form. "Are you a girl?"

"What? No!" said Armin, turning scarlet. This wasn't the first time he'd been mistaken for a girl. "Reiner, it's me. Armin."

Reiner pouted. "But you look like Krista."

"No!" yelled Armin and Krista together.

"Stop trying to talk to Krista, dammit!" screamed Ymir. "Krista, marry me once he goes away, okay?"

"I, uh," Armin scratched his head. "I just wanted to sit down. . ."

"YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!" screamed Ymir.

Armin decided that there was only one thing left to do: inform the Commander that something very strange was going on.

Meanwhile, across the room, his superiors were having problems of their own.

"Tch." Levi hissed in irritation as he sipped on his tea. Because even though it was dinner time, Levi _always_ drank tea. "Tch."

"My eyebrows would like to know if something is bothering you." asked Erwin, smoothing his eyebrows that were not unlike caterpillars.

"Tch. Excuse me?" said Levi, putting down his tea. He idly wiped on a stain on the table.

"My eyebrows must dominate this conversation," replied Erwin seriously. "Because even though I've been though I've been portrayed as clever and cunning in the series, my eyebrows are the only thing that stand out. And they will be mentioned approximately fifteen times in this story."

"Tch. Fine." said Levi. "The brat Eren Jaeger is giving me looks of unbridled passion and lust. Tch."

Erwin turned around to let his eyebrows check for themselves. True enough, Eren was giving Levi the smolder from across the room. "My eyebrows think you may be right," reported Erwin.

"Tch," was all Levi said. He plucked out a stray hair from Erwin's eyebrows while sipping on his tea.

Hange, who had been silent all this time, decided it was now her time to shine. "Titans!" she said happily. "Titans, titans!"

"Tch. Where?" asked Levi, his eyes darting around the room as he sipped on his tea.

"Titans?" said Hange, in a confused tone. "Titans titans, titans."

Levi shook his head. "Tch. Well, there you have it. Shitty glasses has turned into a Pokémon." He swatted a fly with a napkin while sipping on his tea.

Erwin gaped at him. "My eyebrows wonder how you did that."

Levi snorted. "Tch. I'm Humanity's Strongest. I can do that sort of thing." He pulled off Hange's glasses and wiped them clean while sipping on his tea.

Just then, Armin appeared. "Commander Erwin, sir! Captain Levi, sir! Squad Leader Hange, ma'am!" He saluted.

"Tch," Levi set down his cup of tea, which for some reason refused to get empty. "What is it, brat?"

"Sir," said Armin nervously. "Sir, the others are acting really strange! All of them!"

"My eyebrows would like to know how," questioned the Commander, raising his eyebrows.

"Uh. . ." Armin was speechless for a moment, before saying, "They're all being really weird, sir! Eren thinks he's in love with Captain Levi and Mikasa's being really creepy and Jean has a contract and Sasha has a potato and Ymir. . ."

"Recruit!" said Erwin sharply. "My eyebrows would advise you to calm down."

"Sorry, sir," replied Armin. He wondered if he made the wrong decision in approaching these three.

"Tch. I knew it," smirked Levi. "Eren has it _bad_." He pulled a piece of lint of Armin's uniform while sipping on his tea.

"Titans, titans," said Hange seriously. "Titans titans titans, titans, titans titans."

"Um," Armin bit his lip. "I didn't quite catch that,"

"Tch," Levi shot her a look of disdain while sipping on his tea. "Someone throw a fucking Masterball at her already."

"My eyebrows would like to do the honors," declared the Commander, reaching into his pockets.

There was a sudden noise from the back of the room, and the four of them turned to find Eren on top of Jean, his fist extended. Everyone else was circling them.

They made their way to the center. "My eyebrows demand to know what is going on here." said Erwin in a matter-fact-tone.

"He called me a suicidal bastard," howled Eren. "So I called him a horse face and knocked him down."

"Titans!" cheered Hange.

"Titans?" repeated Eren. "Titans!" He screamed at the top of his voice and turned into the Incredible Hulk, because Titans are his trigger.

"Mi casa, su casa," said Mikasa, who had returned after visiting the sets of Pulp Fiction.

"Potatoes!" announced Sasha, her mouth full of potato.

"Neigh!" groaned Jean, still on the floor.

Connie took the opportunity to jump on Jean. "Appa, yip yip!" he cried.

Levi shook his head. "Tch," he said, sweeping the floor while sipping on his tea. "Brats. Tch."

"My eyebrows are not pleased." Erwin folded his arms, his eyebrows crossed like a knot on his forehead.

"Titans!" screamed Hange with even more fervor than before.

"HEY!" roared Armin. The whole room went quiet. Everyone turned to stare at Armin, who was panting heavily. His mind was still refusing to process the scene before him. "Hey," he repeated weakly. "What's going on?"

Nobody responded. They were confused as to whether Armin was yelling at them or actually joining them.

"I'm going to bed," said Armin, defeated. He picked up his book on the outside world and threw it in the trash as he left the room.

He sang softly to himself as he left the room.

" _And I try, oh my god do I try. I try all the time, in this institution_."

"And he prays!" screamed Eren from inside the room.

" _Oh my god do I pray_ ," sang Armin. " _I pray every single day, for a revolution_."

Armin woke up suddenly, the words of the song fading away in his head. His pajamas and forehead were covered in sweat.

"Man," he muttered to himself. "That's the last time I read fanfiction before bed."


End file.
